1. When you got in the elevator at 4:31 yesterday afternoon, the drunk girls who had fallen over inside apologize for having such low tolerance and call you 'mam in the process.
2. You are incapable of participating in a conversation with the guys in the elevator at 10:12 about what time you started drinking because you haven't started drinking yet.
3. Fishbowls gross you out. You got over grape kool-aid at fifteen. You think of your mother and how much she hates artifical grape flavoring.
4. You loathe places like the Library and Blarney's where they mix the drinks strong and you can't hear a thing above all the damn noise.
5. All the damn noise being shoddy live covers of "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Bennie and the Jets" with too much static and atonal vocals.
6. You yawn at 10:37.
7. The girls in the bathroom are discussing whose tabs on which to place their next drinks.
8. The guy who walks from the bar as you leave the loo leaps at you like a leech. He initiates conversation by complementing your cute hair cut.
9. He wants to introduce you to his friends, who are silent clones of their ring leader.
10. He, a 22 year-old International business major who, wearing an all too tight t-shirt and faux army hat, introduces himself as Anton doesn't impress you when he said he wanted to travel with his degree.
11. In fact, you don't believe him at all, though you're certain he uses his latin complexion to claim he is bilingually impressive in an attempt to impress women like yourself.
12. Except he hasn't been privy to the fact you speak Spanish fluently which therefore places you outside the category of women like yourself.
13. You yawn again at 11:46.
14. Your civility causes you to refrain from punching his face when he puts a hand on the back of your neck to yell over the racket into your ear.
15. You don't offer you are a writer and especially not a dance major because you know his eyes will bug out at the prospect and he'll immediately picture things with you you'd rather he not be picturing with you.
16. These things being the kinds of things that would make you ralph your Blue Moon if you pictured with him.
17. He realizes the possibility you might like books and quickly vacates, saying maybe I'll see you here Thursday night or something.
18. You thank the gods for setting you free and providing shitty music to fill in the gaps of your un-conversation with said Anton.
19. But you still CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING ABOVE THE DAMN MUSIC! as you attempt to recount the sleaze-bucket story to Sharkey.
20. NO, YOU SAID YOU WISH YOU COULD HEAR YOURSELF TALKING ABOVE THE MUSIC!
21. You yawn at 12:32.
22. You drop Bill and Sharkey off at their respective apartments and drive home knowing you would score an A+ on a sobriety test given by any of the five squad cars in your neighborhood.
23. You get up at 8:00 the next morning to write this.
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